One of the worst things about being a contender for World’s Greatest (or Worst?) Procrastinator is that the last couple of years I’ve gone through great changes and transmogrifications with little to look back and reflect on in bored and sentimental moments like this.
LiveJournal turned 20 the other day there, and my intention when I started this blog here was to move away from the online teenage diary I’ve kept there for a fair whack of those 20 years now. This was to be the more intimate and nuanced approach, a place for real rumination, expression and a reflection of me maturing in all the many ways and moving into adulthood, but the old habit is a difficult one to kill off, and for the most part I’ve kept the records of my life static and shallow, sitting in a place and a time I’m now very far removed from. A place with a lot of painful reminders I’m ready to put behind me.
Last year, I feel like I really won a very long war with my body and my brain. My hidradenitis continues to be very well behaved and with that I’ve managed to get control of my weight, losing 65lbs so far. My bones still ache a lot, my body still gets up to weird shit, and I still often feel a fatigue that reaches down into the murkiest depths of my soul but I’m learning balance and feeling better in myself more and more. I’ve been able to ask for help and admit when I’ve been overwhelmed by life. I’ve fallen back in love this last year; with clothes; poetry; music; plants and flowers; my work (believe it or not, if you will). I’ve fallen in love with early mornings. My quiet moments are contended now instead of feeling like I’m sitting in a black hole. Slowly, ever so slowly, I’m feel like I’m waking up again from a very long sleep. My energy is still pretty finite, but I’m starting to feel passionate about things again and I’m hoping as that comes, it’ll help ignite some old embers smouldering away in there and spur me into some kind of action on occasion.
I know I’ve vowed and vowed again that I’ll do more here and no great or wonderful substance has come from that. It never will. But here’s hoping that I can continue on this upward trend and who knows, I may have something to express eventually.