One of the more cringey moments I’ve had to endure with my in-laws took place during a recent visit when ‘ Stargate’ was on the television; I walked into the room and absently made a comment regarding my complex feelings of attraction for James Spader. I then got to bumble my way through explaining how that cute geek in the glasses went on to become the *ahem* original Mr Grey and, well, yanno… Yeah. Surely watching ‘Secretary’ was a rite of passage and a sexual awakening for every teenage girl of the noughties, right? Right?! Not a fun subject to talk about with your mother and step-father-in-law. Oh lawd.
So, with that in mind, I decided to give the other Mr Grey a chance when I noticed that ’50 Shades’ was on Netflix and I am a literal masochist with way too much time on her hands right now. Below is excerpts of the FB post which followed wherein I described the film as a “polished turd”, and the subsequent discussion with a friend:
Corbie: Here’s the lowdown – Anastasia Steele is a super smart, super capable young virgin and Christian Grey is a SUPER MEGA BILLIONAIRE with OODLES of psychological issues from his abusive early childhood, and the only way he can cope with it is by whipping pretty ladies and generally being an overbearing control-freak masquerading as a BDSM dom. Anastasia Steele is wooed by him/his money as he goes to great lengths to flex his monetary muscles to impress this random broke-ass English Lit (of course) student, who had somehow seduced him by peering through her fringe and biting her lip all the goddamn time. Anastasia Steele doesn’t like being whipped, though, and sees it as purely punishment but she goes along with it because HELLO HE BOUGHT HER, LIKE, A LAPTOP AND A CAR AND TOOK HER IN HIS HELICOPTER (not an euphemism) and she’s kinda scared of him as well because he’s got some amazing stalker skills and he uses a lot of coercion and intimidation to get what he wants. The film ends with her crying that she doesn’t like being whipped because it gives her a sore and he’s all like, “I AM 50 SHADES OF FUCKED UP!”. So she walks away.
I did enjoy how unbearably uncomfortable Jamie Dornan seems the entire movie. OH! And Christian Grey’s nice watch. I should also add the cinematography is quite good – lots of shiny surfaces, soft, shoegazey backgrounds and twinkly lights of eyes and cityscapes.
R.E.: Thaaaaat’s where the polish is, riiight.
Corbie: And the watch. Pretty sure it’s a Tag Heuer aquaracer.
R.E.: Ohmywhuuut, dat’s a sexy watch!
I honestly didn’t know where the polish would be since the excerpts of the book my ex read to me literally sounded like she’d eaten a fifth of a dictionary, it hadn’t agreed with her whatsoever, and she’d pebble-dashed an entire book with it.
Corbie: – That sounds like an astute observation (hence Anastasia Steele being an English Lit major).
R.E.:It was the same hackneyed tripe over and over again, I wanted to ram knitting needles in my ears when she read it to me
Corbie: Oh – it’s an Omega speedmaster. OAFT!!! 3 times the sexy!
From here it just turned into a stream of Patrick Bateman memes and I gotta say, given the choice I’d rather romp with that fictional rich bastard instead. At least you know there will be actual kink. Safe to say I will not waste my time with the rest in the series, it was a truly awful film. 0/5. I can’t imagine how bad the books are.