QOTD – For The Bants

I’ve been feeling quite fragile recently.  I’ve had a few disappointments come my way in a short space of time and I will admit it has gotten on top of me a little bit, especially today, and I’ve been guilty of wallowing in self-pity and vague-booking about it. Ugh @ me.

Cue palfaces to the rescue with all the memes and top quality banter.

~♡~Pals~♡~

Hello.
Goodbye.
Corbie~
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The Other Mr Grey.

One of the more cringey moments I’ve had to endure with my in-laws took place during a recent visit when ‘ Stargate’ was on the television; I walked into the room and absently made a comment regarding my complex feelings of attraction for James Spader.  I then got to bumble my way through explaining how that cute geek in the glasses went on to become the *ahem* original Mr Grey and, well, yanno… Yeah.  Surely watching ‘Secretary’ was a rite of passage and a sexual awakening for every teenage girl of the noughties, right?  Right?! Not a fun subject to talk about with your mother and step-father-in-law. Oh lawd.

So, with that in mind, I decided to give the other Mr Grey a chance when I noticed that ’50 Shades’  was on Netflix and I am a literal masochist with way too much time on her hands right now.  Below is excerpts of the FB post which followed wherein I described the film as a “polished turd”, and the subsequent discussion with a friend:

Corbie:  Here’s the lowdown – Anastasia Steele is a super smart, super capable young virgin and Christian Grey is a SUPER MEGA BILLIONAIRE with OODLES of psychological issues from his abusive early childhood, and the only way he can cope with it is by whipping pretty ladies and generally being an overbearing control-freak masquerading as a BDSM dom. Anastasia Steele is wooed by him/his money as he goes to great lengths to flex his monetary muscles to impress this random broke-ass English Lit (of course) student, who had somehow seduced him by peering through her fringe and biting her lip all the goddamn time. Anastasia Steele doesn’t like being whipped, though, and sees it as purely punishment but she goes along with it because HELLO HE BOUGHT HER, LIKE, A LAPTOP AND A CAR AND TOOK HER IN HIS HELICOPTER (not an euphemism) and she’s kinda scared of him as well because he’s got some amazing stalker skills and he uses a lot of coercion and intimidation to get what he wants. The film ends with her crying that she doesn’t like being whipped because it gives her a sore and he’s all like, “I AM 50 SHADES OF FUCKED UP!”. So she walks away.
WHAT ROMANCE.
I did enjoy how unbearably uncomfortable Jamie Dornan seems the entire movie. OH! And Christian Grey’s nice watch. I should also add the cinematography is quite good – lots of shiny surfaces, soft, shoegazey backgrounds and twinkly lights of eyes and cityscapes.
R.E.: Thaaaaat’s where the polish is, riiight.
Corbie: And the watch. Pretty sure it’s a Tag Heuer aquaracer.
R.E.Ohmywhuuut, dat’s a sexy watch!
I honestly didn’t know where the polish would be since the excerpts of the book my ex read to me literally sounded like she’d eaten a fifth of a dictionary, it hadn’t agreed with her whatsoever, and she’d pebble-dashed an entire book with it.  
Corbie:  – That sounds like an astute observation (hence Anastasia Steele being an English Lit major).
R.E.:It was the same hackneyed tripe over and over again, I wanted to ram knitting needles in my ears when she read it to me
Corbie: Oh – it’s an Omega speedmaster. OAFT!!! 3 times the sexy!
R.E.:

From here it just turned into a stream of Patrick Bateman memes and I gotta say, given the choice I’d rather romp with that fictional rich bastard instead.  At least you know there will be actual kink.  Safe to say I will not waste my time with the rest in the series,  it was a truly awful film.  0/5.  I can’t imagine how bad the books are.

 

Hello.
Goodbye.
Corbie~
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Angry Haikus: Intro

Sometimes it’s good to express yourself creatively. It can be a most effective catharsis and often it’s a much healthier way of expressing your emotions than say, stabbing people.  With that in mind, quite often when I am out and about and find my patience is tried, I write a haiku about my annoyance instead of stabbing the offenders. I will admit it’s worked so far and I haven’t actually stabbed anyone to date. Sssstab. Sometimes, however, I write haikus just because they’re fun and silly. Here are some examples from the past and I promise there will be many more to come. Enjoy!

Morningside grannies.
Standard age: Methuselah.
Oan the bus to Hell.

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Oh, amorous neds,
crying out in the night;
skin flappin’ an’ aw’! God.

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Young couple in love.
Your affection slurping
Over my tunes, ew.

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inside of my face;
a build up of misery.
I cry tears of snot.

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Garden is quiet.
Thunder rips through the silence.
Sorry! I farted.

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Young bus stop boys
With your beer bottles clanking
Show me your ID.

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Bus stop jakey fight:
So Tiffany Patterson
Stole the heroin.

 

Hello.
Goodbye.
Corbie~
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There’s Been A Murder

Out on my daily walk.

Crow Buddy:  Good morning! Would you like some breakfast?

Me: Is that a mouse?

Crow Buddy:  Lots of protein! Very good! Healthy breakfast.

Me: OH MY GOD IT’S STILL TWITCHING.

Crow Buddy’s Buddy:  Share with me please?

Crow Buddy: NO! NOT FOR YOU! CAW! CAW! CAW!

Me: *running the hell away*

Hello.
Goodbye.
Corbie~
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